Absinthe the Truth

Back in the late '80's when I was a newbie sales rep for a major cruise line, I flew to San Antonio.  When I got off of the plane, I went to the rest room. I had on a long, peasant style skirt.  I exited the rest room...you know where this is going don't you?  It took a full 4-5 minutes, with all kinds of people deplaning before a woman rushed up to me and told me my skirt was stuck in my panties.  Soooo, that meant my rear was in view for 4-5 minutes.  I can understand why a guy wouldn't tell me.  But why that long for another woman?  Because some people just would rather not bring it to your attention. Why?  Because it might embarrass me?  Come on.  You either know someone who is like that OR you YOURSELF is like that. Read more...
My husband and I were on a cruise with some friends sailing from Lisbon to Barcelona.  We were on the island of Ibiza.  Ibiza is just south of the tip of Spain.  My friend and I are walking and shopping.  We come to a store selling all kinds of liquors.  They are selling Absinthe.  I comment to my friend that at one time Absinthe had been banned in the US.  Stories about its potency and causing lunacy etc etc.  Devotees of the drink were the likes of Hemingway, Toulouse Lautrec, Oscar Wilde and Van Gogh. It is 45-74% alcohol and 98-148 proof.  Most alcohol in the US is 40-60% alcohol and 80-120 proof.   Get on with the story already!  Ok, so she and I are discussing Absinthe and a local woman walks up and starts giving us this long explanation about the liquor.  As she's talking, she stops, looks at me, moves within 1-2 feet of me and proceeds to wipe, with her fore finger,  lipstick off of my upper lip.  She said, "your lipstick is smeared." As the woman was walking away, I looked at my friend and said, "why in the world didn't you tell me?!"  Ahhh, an antibiotic wipe immediately please!  I asked her why she didn't tell me and she said that she just didn't like to do things like that.  OK.  Let a strange woman wipe her finger over my lip then....Arrrgggh! My friend now tells me if something is amiss.  We've all got the stories, flies unzipped, uh, sir, the barn door is open, to toilet paper on the shoes, to my friend the other day, while playing golf and after I hit a drive, she comes over to me, puts her arm on my shoulder, leans in and says, "you've got a long string hanging between your legs."  I had a skort on.  After I said thank you, I asked her why was she looking at my butt?  But I took care of it.  By the way, you can now buy Absinthe in the US and it costs around $70 a fifth.

Which brings me to another topic altogether.  Ever hear of the alcohol Ever Clear?  Ever drink that liquid plummer?  It's 75.5-90% alcohol and 151-190 proof.  The 190 proof is banned in many states  unless it is sold as a non drinkable substance.  It's used as a shellac solvent and as an antiseptic.  Flash back to the mid '60's.  I'm 14 or 15 years old.  My hometown only had about 850-900 people living within its city limits.  No movie theater, no bowling alley, no nothin'.  So, we cruised in our cars to see what we could stir up.  My sister and I (maybe a few other girls were with us) pulled up alongside two older guys we knew (we knew everybody in town for that matter), meaning 22 or 23 years old, and asked them if they had anything to drink.  You know, alcoholic.  They said, "sure.  Try this."  It was a bottle of clear alcohol.  We took a few swigs and said that sure is strong.  They laughed and laughed.  See ya girls.  Well, we went home and I began to not feel so good.  My face was heavily flushed, I was sweating and, well, drunk (I hate to admit that's  not all we swilled).  I went to bed and I so distinctly remember my mother coming into my bedroom and asking my sister, "what's the matter with her?"  My sister couldn't answer because she felt pretty close to the way I did.  We later found out those doofuses gave us 190 proof Ever Clear.  The next day the doofuses were still laughing and I had a toilet bowl seat for a necklace...Taught me a lesson. No more Ever Clear...

Afterthought...Don Rickles, many years ago, was on Johnny Carson.  He was talking about what I was discussing in my first tale.  He said, ya know Johnny, if you have  lettuce in your teeth, what is the difference between a friend and a special friend?  The friend will tell you about the lettuce but a special friend, they'll take their finger and get it out...